The best way to know the self is feeling oneself at the moments of reckoning. The feeling of being alone, just with your senses, may lead you to think more consciously. More and more of such moments may sensitize ‘you towards you’, towards others. We become regular with introspection and retrospection. We get ‘the’ gradual connect to the higher self we may name Spirituality or God or just a Humane Conscious. We tend to get a rhythm again in life. We need to learn the art of being lonely in crowd while being part of the crowd. A multitude of loneliness in mosaic of relations! One needs to feel it severally, with conscience, before making it a way of life. One needs to live several such lonely moments. One needs to live severallyalone.

Sunday, 24 March 2013


It was a day when a cruel joke happened with the family. Three years ago, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, they had become victims of life, destiny, survival and death.

They could not know but only asked and kept on asking, why it had to happen. They keep on asking why it happened. Their lives were thrown in a mess. No one of them knew how to respond to it.

They were so numb that they did not feel initially if they had questions but they kept on asking, with teary eyes, with swollen faces, with unkempt hairs, with untidy appearances, with a broken souls, with a thoughtless presence, why did it happen to a person, so jovial, honest, simple and helping, a person who went out of the way to help the needy.

Photograph him from any angle, in any situation, the outcome was always a jovial, photogenic face. And that person was subjected to unimaginable brutalities when his life was taken away by the three persons, one of whom he trusted and helped. It was this person who betrayed him, laid a trap with others and called him to perpetrate his crime.

The smile that was there in the evening was gone permanently by the morning. Still, when he was found there lying in a pool of blood, his face was speaking in the same way, but this quiet face was now tearing into the existence of the family members he had left behind.

That face still comes to visit, renewing the pain that has become now an inseparable part of their lives.

The movement he went missing in the evening, lights not only went off symbolically, but also existentially. The ambience became haunting dark. Next morning, the shrieks were deafening. He was lying there, lifeless, not speaking. They were madly trying to speak to him but nothing was moving as if he had taken every other voice with him, as if the perpetrators had killed many other voices with him.

Three years ago, the family was hit hard by the life to stare at a survival crisis. Since then, they have been learning to live with it. Since then, they have been learning to internalize the pain. Since then, they have been trying to fight the vagaries of that death, the destiny, the survival and the life.

Three years later, they still feel, as if he would come and talk. But now they have learnt to live with his memories.

They know, that smile is to be preserved, in thoughts, in living. And that can only be done by surviving the odds.

They know he would not come back. But they know he never left them.

They know life will never be the same again. But the way he lived his life asks them to live and prevail.

March 24/25, 2010 to March 24, 2013

©/IPR: Santosh Chaubey -