The best way to know the self is feeling oneself at the moments of reckoning. The feeling of being alone, just with your senses, may lead you to think more consciously. More and more of such moments may sensitize ‘you towards you’, towards others. We become regular with introspection and retrospection. We get ‘the’ gradual connect to the higher self we may name Spirituality or God or just a Humane Conscious. We tend to get a rhythm again in life. We need to learn the art of being lonely in crowd while being part of the crowd. A multitude of loneliness in mosaic of relations! One needs to feel it severally, with conscience, before making it a way of life. One needs to live several such lonely moments. One needs to live severallyalone.

Wednesday, 14 November 2012



It was indeed a good moment if not the complete victory when, at that very moment, he looked back to reflect on the fight that had begun almost 30 months ago. Like it happens in the final lag of any journey, the delay of the final moments had started testing his patience, his calm and his faith in his fight, but it came giving him some real moments of thoughtlessness midst his soul getting disappeared in the rush of the thoughts that prevailed at the moment.

It was the fifth day after his case was listed for the verdict when the final order came sentencing the accused to life imprisonment. As soon as the verdict came, he was ‘attacked’ by the people for their pie; we can use alternate present day terms - tip or gratitude or forced gesture that involves giving of what we call the convenience fee. Though you might have been harassed to the core, these stupid fellows ask for it as if it is their birthright.

These were the people being paid for by the government for what they were doing but their debasement led them to act like the corrupt menials of hell squeezing out every possible penny, be it from the victims or the accused. Even if one thought to give something as token of gratitude, their act was more than enough to make their very sight pungent and repulsive; a sight he had been witness to for over two years.

He had lost someone close to the cruel hands of life and had seen the accused dangling around free, out on bail, making mockery of him on every subsequent court hearing day. Their body language, their demeanor, the way their lawyers were treating the case, told every bit that they were confident of walking free, of trading the law, of making a brazen display of their audacity that how easily they killed a smiling and trusting soul; that how easily they derailed many other associated lives; and that how easily they were going to have a free run.

The wait of the five days, five court hearing dates, had made him think otherwise while it had bolstered the audacity of the accused. His lawyer who always sounded confident of sending at least the main accused to his place had seen his views shadowed but soon his knowledge-by-practice and opinionating-by-circumstances would come to brush it off. But, he too, was not highly optimist about sentencing of the other co-accused.

His other family members were a more worried lot. Apart from the darker thoughts of having the accused free run, they were consistently worried about security of their son or brother who was traveling around 100 kilometers daily to wage this battle in a district court room of India. Given the past history of threat calls and similar moves, it was all quite natural for them to think like it. He had tried to assuage their fear but he knew it was of no use. But he also knew he had to continue with his fight.

While doing so, he was not vindictive but he needed to see the perpetrators behind the bars. It was all about giving the departed soul his peace by sending his killers to their nemesis, legally and lawfully.

His lawyer used to say on the delay that all this would go away once a positive verdict comes. And yes, the judgement delivered was a satisfactory one. He felt his moment of calm that he was looking for. He felt his lawyer was right when the judge sentenced all the three co-accused to the life-imprisonment while slapping them with some more prison terms under other different Sections of the Indian Penal Code.

He felt his tears gushing that he could not do when it all had happened in March 2010. And still, he could not allow them a free run, for he knows he has to reflect back on those 32 months, for he knows it was just the first leg of his fight that he has been able to win. 

©/IPR: Santosh Chaubey -